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Let There Be Light | Michelle

I accepted Christ in my life at the age of 34. For many months following that, God showed up in wonderful, loving ways. But He also made it clear that it was time to face my past, face the things that have pushed me down and held me back from believing in myself, or having any sense of self-worth. It was finally time to tell someone my story.

God put people in my life who could mentor me, counsel me, and love me. For the first time in my life, I spoke about the sexual abuse I went through from the ages of 6-8. I spoke about the bullying in school. I spoke about the rape at age 16, and again at age 19. I spoke about the binge eating to intentionally gain weight in the hopes it would make me less of a target and, later, the purging of food. I spoke about how I always feel I'm a burden, I'm afraid of disappointing anyone who loves me, I have an awful fear of abandonment, and I have been diagnosed with far too many mental health issues to list. I spoke about the suicidal thoughts that the devil continues to place in my mind. This is a spiritual battle I fight almost every day. When I am too weak or discouraged to pray, I depend on my brothers and sisters in Christ to intercede for me.

But God spoke too. He told me of His unfailing love. He told me about the freedom that comes with forgiveness. And through my sobs I found His grace. God taught me that despite what I say, despite what I do, He will never abandon me, He will never be disappointed in me. God knows my needs, and He provided me with a Christian counselor who has walked by my side for over two years, who prays with me at the end of each session, and who reminds me each week that I am worthy of living a God-inspired life.

I am not completely free of my past, but I do know that no matter what, God is with me, even through the dark days. I don't like the saying, "God will not give you more than you can handle." It's simply not true. But I do know He will walk with me through every trial. When I cry, He cries with me. And when I laugh, He's smiling. He has blessed me in more ways than I can count. He gives me strength to get out of bed each morning. He is the light in my day. I'm still a work in progress, but I trust that God knows what He's doing with me.