Let There Be Light | Carly
Years ago, I was encouraged to get a spiritual mentor and seek the baptism of the Holy Spirit before becoming a leader in a specific ministry at our church. After things fell through with my potential mentor and as I compared my spiritual gifts to other people’s gifts, I started to believe a lie. In my heart, I felt that I was not good enough to be used by God in this particular Christian denomination. So, I ran.
Around the same time that this was happening, I started dating someone. At first, everything seemed great. He was a great guy; he was very respectful and had a good relationship with God. Life was going well.
However, everything changed when he started going through some internal struggles of his own. He began battling depression and anxiety; and instead of turning toward God in his struggle, he seemed to be turning away. This caused him to treat me differently, but I kept trying to help him. He started to rely more on me instead of on God. The relationship became very controlling and toxic. More and more time was being demanded of me and life seemed to get very dark. I stayed because I knew that this wasn’t who he was and I believed God could heal him. But things didn’t get better, they got worse.
After breaking up, he eventually tried to come back into my life. This time, it appeared that everything was going to work out in our favor. But as time passed, the same problems arose. I started to feel trapped; I was beginning to lose hope that our relationship would ever get better.
Throughout this time, all of the heaviness and darkness caused me to reevaluate and reassess where God was calling me and what I was doing with my life. I knew He was drawing me back to the church that I had run from years before. And I knew that He was calling me into ministry. Did I feel “good enough” or qualified to serve in ministry? Absolutely not. But none of that mattered anymore.
By the grace of God, my boyfriend finally let me go. I ended up quitting my job and applied for the ministry internship program at Evangel Church.
Throughout all of this, here is what I have learned. God will never allow you to walk through something in your life that He does not have a purpose for. There is purpose in your pain. Take a look at the cross. Jesus went through the most excruciating pain/suffering that would ever be experienced throughout all of history. Why? Because there was purpose in it. There was purpose in His pain—a miraculous purpose and plan of redemption for all of His children to save us from our sins and eternal separation from God—and to instead give us an opportunity to spend eternity with our loving Father.
And we know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.